I hear that people have children that like bathing. I am not one of those people. In fact, the very idea of bathing my Muppets sends me into a panic attack that requires Diazapam and alcohol.
It all started when the 2 year-old was 4 months. Something happened. We are not sure what, but it led to PDD-NOS. This led to not wanting to be anywhere NEAR a body of water. It is as if the water turns to lava the second I place the Muppet into it.
See the 2-year-old loves to play WITH water, not in it. The 1-year-old thinks that the battle cry of the 2-year-old means he has to be scared, too. So, both act as if I am ripping their flesh off when I run the tub.
Typically, I will have 2 glasses of wine and then announce to Hubs that I am going to bathe the Muppets. I have to warn him to for his better mental health. It also takes 2 of us to do this correctly. I then de-dress the Muppets in preparation.
One of two things will happen. Either they will hear the water of the tub, put two and two together and realize they will soon be put into the mass tub of lava, or they prance around happy and naked through the house oblivious to the impending doom for them. Either way, it is short-lived.
Muppet bathing is an art form. You must have everything prepared prior to the torture. If not, you will have to hear the blood curdling screams longer and someone might get hurt. List making is a good skill to possess when you have Muppets.
- Get out enough towels for drying and comfort = 4
- Place bathmat next to tub
- Make Muppets naked
- Drink 2 glasses of wine with Hubs
- Run bath with bubbles
- Drink 1 more glass of wine and find a wash cloth
- Ask for first Muppet
Here is where it gets fun for all. The first Muppet – the 2-year-old – is now screaming, which has alarmed the 1-year-old. The 1-year-old is now whimpering at the very least, if not crying already and is nowhere near the water. I literally have to dunk the Muppet in, scrub him while singing some song, and then yell for the exchange of a wet, clean Muppet for a dry, dirty one.
- Hand over wet, crying Muppet
- Force in second Muppet
- Forget singing and just scrub
- Remove screaming Muppet
- Dry it off and dress it
- Drink more booze – any kind will do
I think what makes me wonder the most about bath time is that once it is over, they are happy. Seriously, they act as if the best thing in the world happened and wonder why I am twitching in a corner.
If I have one more drink, I will forget it ever happened. Then we will all be happy.